He was never home before 11pm before high school. Some nights he never made it out of the office. All I recall of him growing up is just an intimidating figure that you obeyed. In high school, he was around more often but we never interacted well, but still he took care of everything. When I left for Hong Kong, he was in the office working that night and Jon and the rest of my family saw me to the airport. A week ago, he told me he would be in China and Taiwan for Christmas and I asked him whether he would stop by Hong Kong. He said he had no time and that it was expensive. Tonight, I told him I probably couldn't make it home in January because of how expensive tickets are, especially as Jon's spending so much to come visit me. And he tells me, "it's not my problem, don't let me worry about it". So basically, he'll see me in June or whenever I decide to come home. 

At home, he and mother never shared a bed, let alone the same room often. They didn't hug or kiss, or show any type of affection. Actually, they seemed to rarely fulfill each other's needs. I.e. my mom needs emotional support and my dad thought she nagged and wanted to be left alone. I was usually ignored by him if he was mad and he held grudges for a long time (I still can't have a dog, because I was irresponsible at 7 years old and didn't pick up dog poop). He also gets annoyed if I hug him and I feel uncomfortable offering him gifts or affection many times. But any other material need was never a problem. Food, clothing, entertainment, it was available. I didn't usually have to ask, I could just charge it and I took care of everything else for the family as well. 

But looking back, I can't but help to be sad; and even at times shed a few tears. A father is someone you should feel love for, someone with whom to share the good and bad news and receiving more than just an apathetic answer. Someone whom you can be comfortable with and open up to. Unfortunately, as much as I know he cares for James and I, it's shown only in how comfortable our lifestyle is (although he and James are much closer). 

So maybe the line that white boys are emotionally available and Asian boys are financially stable doesn't always work, but I have learned and I know that my dad is definitely not emotionally available, perhaps what I have learned from him is what applies and is in my part a fundamental attribution error. Also, maybe what makes interracial relationships appealing is that there are no preset rules. 

Within any culture or subculture, there are always conscious and unconscious norms. By dating outside your circle, it is not necessary to follow rules because there are no preset rules. For example, in the Chinese circle, don't talk about death and aging, but weight is okay, whereas the opposite works for Caucasians. Or the whole split the check thing. With Asians, I never worry about paying. The boys usually take care of it. There are even cases where the boy believes that money can buy him everything. But as Jon says, that's probably because Asians associate money  and brand names with success. 

Regardless, no one's the same and I just need to be more open minded. Relationships are repairable and people can change (albeit not if you're the one trying to change them; change comes from within oneself x) ). I'm grateful for everything I do have. I shouldn't wish for things to be different, if I really want it, I'll make it happen...right?

1:12 AM